Monday, February 2, 2009

Monday Evening Quarterback

Some thoughts on Supe 43:

1. The Cardinals hung in a lot better than I expected: I thought the pick-six by James Harrison was it for the Cards. Rather than being up 14-10, they were down 17-7. And, at that point, one more Steelers TD early in the third quarter would have been the dagger. But they tightened up on defense (until the end) and got back in it. Kudos to Ken Whisenhunt's crew for showing the testicular fortitude not to let the game get away from them.

2. The Cardinals have nobody to blame but themselves: I've seen quite a few fans bitching about the officiating. Get the fuck over it. You let the Steelers march right down the field on you when you absolutely had to stop them. Championship teams don't let that happen.

3. Larry Fitzgerald is incredible: He was pretty quiet in the first half, but nobody on the field was better than Fitz in the second half. His second touchdown showed what an impressive athlete he truly is -- once he hit that seam, he was GONE.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Apparently the NHL All-Star Game is today

Did I miss something here? Has the NHL become so irrelevant that I -- someone who considers himself at least somewhat in the know regarding when certain athletic contests are -- had absolutely NO IDEA that the All-Star Game was tonight until I arrived at work?

Sadly, yes.

Next thing you know, someone will tell me the Super Bowl is in a week.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Kurt Warner: Hall of Famer?

Well, I'll be damned.

Hell hath frozen over -- the Arizona Cardinals are in the Super Bowl.

Sure, they're most likely going to get fucking massacred by Pittsburgh in Tampa in a couple of weeks, but this is a nice moment in the sun for a franchise that, despite playing in the middle of the desert, hasn't had many.

Sunday's win over Philadelphia was convincing, and though the Cards almost let this one slip away, they got it done when it counted.

Now, in the two weeks before they get marched out to the slaughter, it's high time we started talking about Kurt Warner's Hall of Fame credentials.

Yeah, he's married to a guy. And yeah, he wears mittens when he plays. But take a look at the numbers:

* He's taken three teams to the Super Bowl -- the Rams in 1999 and '01, and now the Cardinals. You know how many QBs have started for three Super Bowl teams? Nine. Staubach, Elway, Kelly, Montana, Bradshaw, Griese, Aikman, Brady, Tarkenton. And Warner will be the tenth in two weeks. What do the nine three-time starters have in common? All are in the Hall of Fame, or will be.

* He will become the second QB to start a Super Bowl for two different franchises. Kudos to you if you can guess the other one. The answer is in the comments.

* He has a career passer rating of 93.8. And while passer rating doesn't take into account two of Warner's career bugaboos (sacks and fumbles), he does rank fourth all-time in that category behind Hall of Famer Steve Young, future Hall of Famer Peyton Manning and Jessica Simpson's fuckdoll Tony Romo.

* His numbers are pretty good -- barring injury, he'll hit 30,000 passing yards next season (he's at 28,591 now). He should eclipse 200 TD passes next year (he's got 182). His regular-season record as a starter is 58-45. In the postseason, it's 8-2. He's won more playoff games than Peyton Manning.

Now, there are some knocks on him, for sure. He's only played a full slate of games three times in his career. Part of that was injury issues; another part was finding himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was run out of St. Louis in '03 in favor of Marc Bulger; he was Eli Manning's resident dickholder for the 2004 season; he nearly lost his job in Arizona to USC golden boy Matt Leinart. His numbers are bolstered by some great seasons mixed with some horrifically bad ones -- he was 0-8 as a starter in '02 and '03; and some respectable stats in 2005 and '06 cover up the fact that the Cardinals were shit (4-12) in the games he started.

However, he was an amazing story when he got his chance with the Rams, and he continues to be one at 37. Is he a Hall of Famer? I think he's got a real good shot.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Why having a raving lunatic in your locker room is a bad idea

Well, first Bill Romanowski simply wanted to coach the Denver Broncos. He even went so far as to prepare a 30-page PowerPoint presentation for owner Pat Bowlen. But Bowlen, in a fit of sanity, went with one of the Jonas Brothers ... er, Patriots assistant Josh McDaniels as his head coach pick.

So what does Romo want to do now? Mix energy shakes for Broncos players.

"I'm going to profess my vision on how to better take care of the athletes," Romanowski said Thursday in an interview from the Bay Area.

On the list of "Really Shitty People To Intentionally Put Around Your Players," I think Bill Romanowski is pretty damn close to No. 1. We're talking about a guy who:

* Spit in the face of 49ers receiver J.J. Stokes.

* Kicked Cardinals fullback Larry Centers in the head.

* Beat the living fuck out of Raiders TEAMMATE Marcus Williams during a training-camp scuffle, ending Williams' career.

* Tested positive for the designer steroid THG during his playing career.

Now, I'm certainly not suggesting that dirty shit like the first three items on this list are extinct from the NFL, or that steroid use is either. But come on. The guy has a reputation as a grade-A nutcase, and why on earth would anyone put this lightning rod in the middle of a locker room that is likely full of guys looking for that little extra edge?

I see your Schwartz is as big as mine

The Detroit Lions, fresh off a perfect 0-16 season, have apparently named Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz as the successor to the deposed Rod Marinelli.

Now, I don't know a lot about this guy, but he's certainly worked for the right people (Bill Belichick and Jeff Fisher). The Titans defense he ran this season had some teeth to it -- it certainly wasn't his unit's fault that Tennessee lost to Baltimore in the divisional round. And he certainly doesn't have to do much to be considered an improvement.

However, the most important move the Lions could have made came in late September, when the Ford family finally did what it should have done years ago and fired then-general manager Matt Millen. The Lions organization was like the proverbial dead fish, rotting from the head down. Millen had to go. Honestly, at this point, it doesn't matter who is coaching the team. Millen is gone, and so is the culture of losing that he fostered.

Plus, this hiring gave me a reason to use the above title for this post. That alone makes him a winner in my book.


A sad farewell to actor Ricardo Montalban, who passed away Wednesday at age 88.

Perhaps best-known for his role as Admiral James T. Kirk's nemesis in Star Trek II (aptly subtitled "The Wrath of Khan"), Montalban also gave the world Mr. Roarke, who teamed with mini-Montalban Herve Villechaize to fulfill the dreams of his island visitors on the cheesy 1980s TV show "Fantasy Island."

No word yet on whether he met his demise by falling off the top of Anaheim Stadium, being run over by a bulldozer and then trampled by the USC marching band.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Oh, to be young and a crackhead

Well, eligible bachelors everywhere, your ship has come in. According to various sources, Grammy Award-winning singer and noted crack whore Amy Winehouse's husband is seeking a divorce.

Blake Fielder-Civil is trying to kick his Amy Winehouse habit now that he's seen photos of the singer cavorting with another man in the Caribbean while he
sits in a British jail.

Celebrity lawyer Henri Brandman confirmed to CNN that Fielder-Civil has asked him "to commence divorce proceedings on the grounds of Amy's adultery."

OK, a few thoughts:

1. The linked CNN article states that Winehouse "has battled drug addiction." No, I'm sorry. When you have sucked on enough crack rocks to give yourself emphysema at age 24, your problem is a little more than a "battle." You've got World War III going on inside your drug-addled body.

2. This is just gross. Have you seen her lately? The very thought that anyone would want to "cavort" with this is just nasty.

28 baseball writers are idiots

Well, the number is actually higher than that, to be sure. But I can confirm 28. They're the 28 (out of 539) Hall of Fame voters who did not vote for Rickey Henderson.

Rickey Henderson. You know, MLB's all-time leader in runs and stolen bases. Second in walks. 3,000 hits. Changed the game. Dumber than a sack of hammers, to be sure, but a no-brainer Hall of Famer if there ever was one.

And 28 of these dumbasses didn't vote for him? Are these crusty old farts still pissed off that Babe Ruth didn't get 100% of the vote? Never mind that the voters from the first Hall of Fame class were trying to boil down 100 years of baseball into 15 inductees. Nah, because Babe Ruth didn't get every single fucking vote, the BBWAA has decided to purposely not vote for deserving players for some symbolic purpose that makes no sense.

How do you not vote for Cal Ripken for the Hall? Or Tony Gwynn? Or Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, Tom Seaver, Steve Carlton, Nolan Ryan, George Brett, Mike Schmidt, Frank Robinson, Johnny Bench, Mickey Mantle ... or Rickey Henderson?

If I were in charge and a Hall of Fame player receives 90% of the vote, the 10% who do not vote for that player would be put on probationary status. If it happens again, you lose your ballot. Because it's obvious that if you're in the 1 (or fewer) out of 10 who goes against the grain, the problem is not with the rest of your colleagues. The problem is with you.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Vince the Shamwow guy is my hero

Seriously. The Shamwow is the greatest product ever made.

Now, I don't actually own one of these, per se. Nor have I ever met anyone who does own one, or seen one in person. But I believe. I believe in the Shamwow. And do you want to know why I believe in the Shamwow?

Because of this guy right here. Because of Vince.

I mean, fuck paper towels, dude! The Shamwow holds 20 times its weight in liquid! You can clean generic-brand cola out of your carpet! You can wash your car with it, and probably clean up a crime scene afterward.

Plus, add in the fact that he looks like the love child of Greg Kinnear and a Gremlin, and you have the perfect TV pitchman. Has anyone looked less douchey wearing a headset like that? If you can stand there looking like an Old Navy employee and sell me on an amazing product like the Shamwow, then you, sir, are a god among men.

Billy Mays? Vince would kick his ass.

Go Eagles! I guess ...

After a season full of suspense, drama, intrigue and Visanthe Shiancoe showing his dong on national television, we are down to what might just be the most craptastic final four in NFL history.

Does the NFL feel bad for the Rooney family for some reason? Does Mike Tomlin have compromising photos of Roger Goodell smoking crack with one of the "Flavor of Love" girls? Because all that stands between the Steelers and their sixth Super Bowl title is a rookie quarterback.

The AFC side of the ledger isn't that bad. The NFC's is, simply put, putrid. Seriously? This is the best the NFC could come up with? A team that tied the Cincinnati Bengals, and the Arizona fucking Cardinals?

RAVENS vs. STEELERS: Someone is going to die in this game. Seriously.

I can picture James Harrison and Ray Lewis meeting each other at midfield before the game for an unarmed battle to the death. I'd have to give Lewis the edge, since he has experience killing people, but it should at least be fun to watch.

The game, however, won't be. Both teams play the same boring style -- run the ball up the middle and pray that the quarterback doesn't fuck up. At least Baltimore's Joe Flacco has an excuse, being a rookie and all. Ben Roethlisberger, on the other hand, will hereafter be referred to as Lennie from Of Mice And Men. The guy is a dumbass.

If you like points, this game will not be for you. I still think the Steelers will win, but if this ends up 10-7 or something ridiculous like that I won't be surprised in the least.

EAGLES vs. CARDINALS: Wow. Just ... wow.

The Eagles were dead in the water about two months ago after the Ravens kicked the living bejesus out of them and Donovan McNabb watched the second half of the game from the bench. They're playing a lot better now, but it took an epic pants-shitting by the Giants on Sunday for Philly to get here.

The Cardinals? This just ain't right. This is upsetting the cosmic order. The Cards are supposed to be awful. It's just the way things are meant to be. Arizona is where good (sometimes great) careers go to die (see Smith, Emmitt; James, Edgerrin; Warner, Kurt). Arizona is not supposed to be hosting an NFC Championship game. This is the football equivalent of the Giant Hadron Collider.

Who will be the sacrificial lamb for the Super Bowl? Does it matter?

On a personal note, I'll be rooting for the Eagles. I really don't need to deal with the Steelers fans; the Ravens are pure evil; and I just can't fathom seeing Bill Bidwell holding up the Lombardi Trophy. Plus, the idea that McNabb is in a position to win a Super Bowl before T.O. brings a tear to my eye.

Hello, and welcome to the internets

Greetings, folks.